Psalms 139: 23-24

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
And lead me in the ancient, everlasting way.

Tony Renner, Gollum's Cave (for Jeff Sippel)

On Trombones

(1. characteristics of the trombone)

The trombone's belching, muddy tones and rotten timbre are odious in the hands of the proficient, fully toxic in those of the novice. Musically diarrheic, the huffing and puffing lips of those who indulge themselves in the artless pursuit of tromboning quiver hungrily at the thought of assaulting the ears of their relatives with muffled tonal farts and indistinct arpeggios. (I say relatives, for a trombonist has no friends, nor audience for that matter, save those obligated by bloodline to endure his pernicious practice.) The awkward gangle of tubing and braces is only amplified by the desperate thrusting of bony elbows as the user pumps out note after attempted note, just as the terrible musty rush of air from within the lungs is amplified by the comparatively fine brass bell, but only after suffering much abuse and debasement within two or three miles of sliding passageways, exiting the instrument to return the favor to all those unfortunate enough to be within earshot.

(2. history of the trombone) 

The littlest amount of perceptivity will tell us that, though modified over time, the basic elements of the shape of the trombone betray its original use as a crude sort of urinal. Unwilling to move the royal body from the throne room to empty the royal bladder, surely the various and sundry kings of France used golden plumbing leading from a golden receptacle (now the bell of the trombone) through the golden walls to the golden moat. The slide, of course, allowed the royal urinee to adjust the bell so that he might stand or sit as he pleased. It will not require great amounts of imagination to picture the day that an overeager and shortsighted court jester used a spare urinal to play some royal fanfare, and the rest, as it is said, is history.

(3. advice on trombones) 

Any piece of sheet music that has been so much as looked over by the queasy eyes of one of those players of Satan's Whistle must be cremated at the earliest chance before it can putrefy. Any trombone found deserted must, lest it be returned to service, be melted down and recast into rings for pigs' noses, where it will continue in much the same manner as before––adorning the face of the repugnant––only silently. Any person found to be composing music specifically for the trombone must be bludgeoned to death with a trombone kept for this purpose (and which has been rendered unplayable by permanently blocking the tubes), just as that composer would have acoustically bludgeoned the world. 

At Dawn

Normally I enjoy the earliest moments on the front porch with a cup of coffee or on a bicycle along the road, but... 

I don't think I'm the only one who enjoys walking through glowing blades of grass laden with cool water droplets.

Fish and Fishes

Big Fishes Eat Little Fishes by Bruegel the Elder

Everybody knows that, like deer and deer, "fish" is both the singular and plural word for, well, fish.

Everybody has heard someone pluralize "fish" as "fishes."
My entire life I have assumed that both were legitimate synonymous words, but that "fish" is the more accepted form in modern usage.
What a fool I have been!

HERE IS THE SCOOP:

"Fish" refers to multiple creatures of the same type or species, and "fishes" refers to multiple creatures of different species.

Two goldfish are fish. A goldfish and a catfish are fishes. The above is a picture of fishes.

From the 1897 Sears, Roebuck and Co. Catalogue No. 104

"The rain falls alike on the just and unjust. 
  All should be supplied with Mackintoshes."


Also,

"We have discarded all imported mandolins on account of their    
  worthlessness as a musical instrument."


"The banjo is a popular instrument.
   It deserves to be."


Furthermore,

"Following are a few things which should not be done: 
  Don't wear a thin shoe for street or rough wear.
  Don't wear shoes too narrow for your feet.
  Don't fit your shoes short ; especially the ones with pointed toes.
  On the contrary, they should be fitted very long.
  Make your foot much more stylish in appearance.

Finally, a product description from the Department of Revolvers.

"The above illustration engraved from a photograph will give you some idea of the appearance of this revolver, and at our price of $2.75 it will surely prove a death blow to competition. It is a genuine American hammerless revolver. Dealers may say it is impossible. Some may say we do not furnish it but we do. We propose to demonstrate to the consumers of the world that our trade, reaching into every State in the Union and then into every country on the globe, places us in a position to go to the manufacturers with such large orders for cash that we can buy and offer our leaders at prices that will strike terror to dealers and competitors. We use the word "competitors" but we have none, and a comparison of our prices with those of other houses will convince you of this fact.  Our policy is 10,000 revolvers at a profit of 10c. each which amounts to $1000.00 rather than 100 revolvers at $2.00 each and amount to only $200 profit. Every one who buys from us talks for us. We treat them right, we give them unheard of values for their money, and in consequence they will talk––talk words of praise. You can't stop them. Dealers try to, so do certain would-be competitors try to stop them, but they can't. Our customers sound our praise, and as a result our bargain list grows bigger and bigger as each leader succeeds the other.

This new hammerless revolver is made by the New York Arms Co., and is known as the Bull's Eye Hammerless. Solid frame, full nickel plated, fancy ornamented rubber handle, patent safety lock so arranged that accidental discharge is impossible, uses Smith & Wesson central fire cartridges, 22, 32 and 38 caliber as desired. 22 caliber is adapted to rim fire cartridges. 22 caliber has 2 1/2 inch barrel and weighs 9 oz. 32 and 38 calibers have 3 1/4 inch barrels and weigh 14 and 17 oz. respectively. If you buy one you will buy more.

You can sell them at $5.00 each."

P.S.,

"For a First-Class Chance

  To Buy Nice Pants,

  We Need Say No More,

                 Page 164."

Magnets, Magnetic Fields, Magnetism...

I'm certain I don't understand 1% of the laws and properties of magnetism. I decided to brush up with some quick 'n' magnety reading here, here, and here. It's beyond me. If it weren't 4:30 AM (and if there weren't so many equations riddled with greek letters) perhaps I could do a smidgen better, but I would still be woefully unlearned. Now, I will appreciate magnets as a layman. I do know that in our 21st century lives it is too easy to be un-amazed by the tiny portions of God's oeuvre that the scientific man has "decoded." How little we know! When I really look, I can see signs of an infinite intellect in the smallest of things. I hope we will all look more intently.

DP Customs 1982 Ironhead "Look Right"

Prettiest Harley I've ever seen. By DP Customs, in Lucky Strike livery.